Welcome to your 19th week of pregnancy

Almost halfway done!

I got an e-mail today from some baby web page welcoming me to my 19th week of pregnancy. In this e-mail I was informed that my exhaustion may be returning due to an upcoming baby growth-spurt. Returning? Doesn't it have to leave in order to return? Apparently not.

So far my pregnancy has been pretty uneventful. It has been more difficult than I remember my first being though. On top of being incredibly sick into the 2nd trimester (had that the first time) I've also been exhausted beyond belief, which was not helped in the least by my anti-nausea meds which brought the exhaustion to the incapacitating level! The meds also caused some pretty bad depression. Just what I needed! Thankfully, I was able to get on a different anti-nausea med and it's working quite well, without any unpleasant side-effects.

My belly is rounding out and most of my clothes don't fit - regular or maternity. My breasts are the size of melons and are the primary reason most of my shirts don't fit.

I have an appointment on Monday and we're hoping for an ultrasound so we can maybe find out what flavor baby we're having. If not Monday, I'll have to wait until my 'big ultrasound' on June 5th. I don't really want to wait that long though. I may have to come up with some vague symptoms and go in during walk-in hours. (If I set foot on the high-risk floor during walk-in hours, I am pretty much guaranteed an ultrasound!)

I guess that's all I've got for now.


the end

We've done it again!

I am pregnant again.

It's different.

After two losses, that little plus sign on the home pregnancy test means something different than it does for first-timers. It took a few days to even say "I'm pregnant", it was initially "I got a positive pregnancy test"

I'm letting myself get excited now though. I know that if I don't, regardless of the outcome, I will regret it.

We call this one Poppy Seed.

Pregnant Women

I just found out that another friend is pregnant. This makes 8. Of those eight, three are due in the month of May (my most recent edd was May 3) I also know three women who have given birth this month.

It's just not fair.

Trying again.... maybe...

We took some time off from trying to conceive again... Life had gotten so stressful and everything felt beyond our control, so we decided to control the one thing we could.

We decided to try again this month though. No baby this go around.

Hesitantly getting back into the baby making game. Trying to remain hopeful without getting my hopes up.

I am afraid of a third miscarriage. Of course, I have to get pregnant first.

What do I want?

I no longer know at this point.

Struggling to get/stay pregnant has given me too much time to think and re-think, worry, wonder, fear, dread. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I should do.

I feel like it shouldn't be this difficult for us. It shouldn't take this much work to get/stay pregnant. We shouldn't have to fight for another child. Not that I feel that it is wrong to fight for a child you desire - just that it doesn't feel right for us. I wonder if maybe this is God's way of telling us to stop... that we shouldn't have a child together.

After talking to J about this, I feel empty. I feel lost. I don't know what I feel anymore. I don't know what's best or even what I want.

I don't know.

Carry an umbrella

We lost the baby.

I was 7 weeks and 2 days along.
This is my second miscarriage.

I'm doing ok. I'm trying to stay positive. Positive isn't really my thing. I do believe that there will be another baby for us though, one we're meant to hold in our arms. But it's hard to wait for that day. I think waiting may be one of the hardest things. Every month trying and waiting and every month being disappointed.
It took 18 months to conceive Muby and 14 months to conceive Haiku Sushi. I don't feel we'll be trying for so long this time, but still, any waiting is too long when you've already been trying for so long already.

We're praying for rain and carrying an umbrella - Praying for a baby and preparing for him/her, believing he/she will come.
I'm still taking my prenatal vitamins and limiting caffeine. Maybe that will make the difference next time.
We're also buying small baby items here and there and setting a little money aside until our baby comes home to us. It helps us to stay positive.

I'm growing a person!

I am currently 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant.... and moderately nauseated.

We're happy, excited, thrilled... and seriously wondering how the hell we're going to provide for this child! Hoping for an awesome baby shower and generous hand-me-downs!

I hope I'm having a girl. Girls names are easier for me, and what little stuff we have left from our first child is GIRL stuff... (does that sentence make sense?) so it would be more cost effective to have another girl.

I've been a lot more worried this time around. Worried about miscarriage, of course, as my last pregnancy ended early in miscarriage. I'm also worried about birth defects and the possibility of not being able to labor and birth naturally again, among other things. I never worried like this with my first. You'd think one would worry more the first time around and less with consecutive pregnancies.

It's so different this time. I was alone for my first. 'Alone' in that I didn't have a significant other for much of my pregnancy. All decisions were mine and mine alone. I didn't have to consider anyone elses feelings on anything.
This time around I have a very loving and involved husband. He has a say in everything from the child's name, to what carseat we use, to the diaper bag we'll carry. It's nice. Granted it does make some things a little more complicated.. but I enjoy sharing the whole experience with someone else, and that far outweighs any negatives.