What do I want?

I no longer know at this point.

Struggling to get/stay pregnant has given me too much time to think and re-think, worry, wonder, fear, dread. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I should do.

I feel like it shouldn't be this difficult for us. It shouldn't take this much work to get/stay pregnant. We shouldn't have to fight for another child. Not that I feel that it is wrong to fight for a child you desire - just that it doesn't feel right for us. I wonder if maybe this is God's way of telling us to stop... that we shouldn't have a child together.

After talking to J about this, I feel empty. I feel lost. I don't know what I feel anymore. I don't know what's best or even what I want.

I don't know.